The ramblings of Derk Gates

This is the authoritative guide to all things "Derk".

Thursday, February 09, 2006


Jack Bauer gets played by no man



  • If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".
  • If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
  • Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
  • If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
  • When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
  • Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
  • Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
  • Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
  • Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
  • If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's ****ing beef.
  • 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
  • When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer ****ing hates lemonade.
  • Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
  • Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
  • Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
  • Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
  • Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl.. by himself.
  • Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.
  • Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
  • When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
  • Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
  • There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.
  • Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.