Jack Bauer gets played by no man

• If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".
• If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
• Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
• If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
• When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
• Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
• Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
• Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
• Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
• If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's ****ing beef.
• 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
• When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer ****ing hates lemonade.
• Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
• Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
• Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
• Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
• Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl.. by himself.
• Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.
• Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
• When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
• Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
• There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.
• Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.